Saturday, August 28, 2010
America 1939- 1943
Stonington, CT
Rutland, VT
Rutland, VT
Brockton, MA
Derby, CT
Washington D.C.
St. Helena Island, SC
White Plains, GA
Chicago, IL
Chicago, IL
Chicago, IL
America 1939- 1943
Clinton, IA
Clinton, IA
near Emmett, ID
McIntosh County, OK
Melrose, LA
Pietown, NM
St. Augustine County, TX
Sunray, TX
for more great pictures go to the Denver Post
Friday, August 27, 2010
Actual Advice!
Dear Rev.Mike;
My husband and I have four cats. Three cats are semi-normal and one cat is waaay out there. This cat weighs well over what a "normal" cat should weigh. She cannot properly clean herself, therefore her human mommy has to shower her often. This is a disgusting job. Also, said cat, prefers to defecate OUTSIDE the cat box, and occasionally on the carpet. She spends the day under the bed in the extra bedroom and sometimes has a terrified look on her face, as if she knows all the horrible things we say about her.
What would you suggest we do with said cat? Unfortunately we love her.
Signed, The Cat Lady
Dear Cat Lady,
Despite being uniquely qualified to answer this question because my wife and I also happen to own four cats, I really don’t have much in the way of advice here. Every house cat, like people, is a freak in its own unique way, with their own set of inexplicable quarks. One of our cats is so fat that when he jumps off the bed he usually falls over because his legs are not able to absorb the impact of his hefty body. Another one came from an inbred pack of strays and is so dumb that he scratches at open doors because he can’t figure out how to walk through them. Yet another one poops regularly outside of the litter box, right on the rug. She’s a wily one too, because for all her blatant flouting of the one rule we impose on them (that they must piss and shit inside the box) we are never able to actually catch her in the act, therefore can‘t punish her.
You know what we do? Nothing. We groan about the big ol’ steamer left on the floor, grab a paper towel, the scrub brush and Woolite and then we do it all again the next morning. The best you can do is hope it is solid.
Yes, the fat one, Henry, probably won’t live to the full potential feline lifespan due to years of gorging on canned meals of horse anus and ash, but we made a decision long ago on what percentage of our paychecks would go to cat food and how strictly we want to regulate the diet of each of the cats. I assume he’s happy, at least as happy as he would be if he was thin, because he’s a cat and fat cats act exactly the same as thin cats. The skinny ones just get to their arbitrary destinations in the apartment faster. I love Henry and look forward to many years of him putting my legs to sleep while watching TV, but he is the fat fuck who wakes me up every morning by sitting on my chest and poking me with his wet nose, so the sooner he dies the sooner I can sleep more comfortably.
This brings me to my next point: talk as much trash about, and/or directly to, your pets as much as you feel the need. You can’t do that with children, they get all offended or emotionally stunted, but cats… hell, I use my cats as props elaborate and lascivious jokes and they couldn‘t care less as long as I give them spine rubs. Don’t yell at them or anything, but some teasing or affectionate threats of abandonment are a good way to vent. You feed them, clean up their waste, vacuum up all their hair, basically live in a zoo, for what? They think some well placed cuddles and purrs are enough for the price of admission? Yeah, I know, of course it is, but there are few companions in life that you’ll love so much and can openly describe to them in vivid detail about how much you hate them.
As far as not properly cleaning herself, it all depends on how bad it is. If she’s really smelly, I’d say take her to a pet groomer. PetSmart is less than twenty bucks and it probably beats jumping into the shower with four sets of sharp, flailing cat claws. We brush the cats with the thick, dandruffy hair and that goes a long way toward keeping them clean, not to mention they love it. If dingleberries around the bum are your problem, well… I’m not proud to admit this, but every so often I pluck the shit off my cats’ asses like low hanging fruit. Before you judge, it’s cleaner and drier than most diaper changes. It’s completely solid by the time you get to it and you obliviously must wash your hands right afterward. Then you can carve a poop shoot with hair clippers or some tiny scissors to give yourself some time before you have to go berry picking again.
My husband and I have four cats. Three cats are semi-normal and one cat is waaay out there. This cat weighs well over what a "normal" cat should weigh. She cannot properly clean herself, therefore her human mommy has to shower her often. This is a disgusting job. Also, said cat, prefers to defecate OUTSIDE the cat box, and occasionally on the carpet. She spends the day under the bed in the extra bedroom and sometimes has a terrified look on her face, as if she knows all the horrible things we say about her.
What would you suggest we do with said cat? Unfortunately we love her.
Signed, The Cat Lady
Dear Cat Lady,
Despite being uniquely qualified to answer this question because my wife and I also happen to own four cats, I really don’t have much in the way of advice here. Every house cat, like people, is a freak in its own unique way, with their own set of inexplicable quarks. One of our cats is so fat that when he jumps off the bed he usually falls over because his legs are not able to absorb the impact of his hefty body. Another one came from an inbred pack of strays and is so dumb that he scratches at open doors because he can’t figure out how to walk through them. Yet another one poops regularly outside of the litter box, right on the rug. She’s a wily one too, because for all her blatant flouting of the one rule we impose on them (that they must piss and shit inside the box) we are never able to actually catch her in the act, therefore can‘t punish her.
You know what we do? Nothing. We groan about the big ol’ steamer left on the floor, grab a paper towel, the scrub brush and Woolite and then we do it all again the next morning. The best you can do is hope it is solid.
Yes, the fat one, Henry, probably won’t live to the full potential feline lifespan due to years of gorging on canned meals of horse anus and ash, but we made a decision long ago on what percentage of our paychecks would go to cat food and how strictly we want to regulate the diet of each of the cats. I assume he’s happy, at least as happy as he would be if he was thin, because he’s a cat and fat cats act exactly the same as thin cats. The skinny ones just get to their arbitrary destinations in the apartment faster. I love Henry and look forward to many years of him putting my legs to sleep while watching TV, but he is the fat fuck who wakes me up every morning by sitting on my chest and poking me with his wet nose, so the sooner he dies the sooner I can sleep more comfortably.
This brings me to my next point: talk as much trash about, and/or directly to, your pets as much as you feel the need. You can’t do that with children, they get all offended or emotionally stunted, but cats… hell, I use my cats as props elaborate and lascivious jokes and they couldn‘t care less as long as I give them spine rubs. Don’t yell at them or anything, but some teasing or affectionate threats of abandonment are a good way to vent. You feed them, clean up their waste, vacuum up all their hair, basically live in a zoo, for what? They think some well placed cuddles and purrs are enough for the price of admission? Yeah, I know, of course it is, but there are few companions in life that you’ll love so much and can openly describe to them in vivid detail about how much you hate them.
As far as not properly cleaning herself, it all depends on how bad it is. If she’s really smelly, I’d say take her to a pet groomer. PetSmart is less than twenty bucks and it probably beats jumping into the shower with four sets of sharp, flailing cat claws. We brush the cats with the thick, dandruffy hair and that goes a long way toward keeping them clean, not to mention they love it. If dingleberries around the bum are your problem, well… I’m not proud to admit this, but every so often I pluck the shit off my cats’ asses like low hanging fruit. Before you judge, it’s cleaner and drier than most diaper changes. It’s completely solid by the time you get to it and you obliviously must wash your hands right afterward. Then you can carve a poop shoot with hair clippers or some tiny scissors to give yourself some time before you have to go berry picking again.
horizontal stripes, really?
assuming this is real, which I have my doubts about because if your belly looks like an ass crack you'd have bigger tits, but assuming it is real... do you think it would be possible to fuck your own belly? I mean, shame is already not going to be an issue, so why not?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
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